A few days back, in my Valentine’s Day post, I brought to myself a question to save for later and meditate on. I spent some time today thinking about it, so here it goes…
Would you rather never find what you’re looking for, rather than find it and not be able to have it?
I’m torn.
On one hand, I’m not ever likely to find something that is exactly what I was after. The world is far too imperfect a place for such true, pure serendipity, and, for all it’s power, the universe itself is not even capable of moving such mountains. But these things can provide a focus, a narrowing of the vision. What was once only a vague outline becomes all the clearer. Perhaps even new shades are introduced into it’s spectrum. Things I may have thought were important may prove to be not as key as I’d thought. I may discover other things, things that I had never even considered, filling in another of those mysterious variables in the equation. Maybe, all these times I think I’m finding what I want, it’s just the universe helping me fill in more of that outline.
Then again, it sucks to find something (someone) that you want so badly and can’t have. A piece of the puzzle that fits so well into that important gap in your soul, a gap that you’re forced to leave still open. When it feels like the universe moved those very mountains I mentioned before, but left a gaping valley in their place with no way to cross it. Even if it is just the universe inking in a bit more of that outline, it’s still a hard thing to bear. Is it too much to ask to actually get to have them once in a while, even if they are just lenses focusing my grander vision?
So I guess I have no answer, and that doesn’t surprise me. So much of life is never black & white, so no point trying to bleach out any of those grayer shades. But examining the question adds ever-important hues to the spectrum. Brings ever so small a bit of color to things.
Addendum…
I left this post, like I do many others, to sit for a couple days. They stay there, marked as private, waiting for me to fully flesh out the ideas contained therein, and for a slow day when I don’t have anything else to say! I came up with more thoughts, but wanted to leave the original sentiment of the post intact, so that part remains above. As for the rest…
An important point I had neglected in my original assessment is those cases where what I’ve found does fill an important gap in my soul, though not where I had been hoping. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything in the world. I got what I wanted, just not how I wanted it, and that’s not so bad. Plus, you never know, in some cases that puzzle piece could one day be made to fit in that spot I originally wanted.
(And this is one of those things I wonder if I should have left private forever. *shrug*)