As some concern has been expressed more than once about my current mental state in recent weeks, I decided to sit down tonight and do a bit of brutally honest self-assessment of where my head is really at right now.
Am I happy? No.
I’m miserable. General sadness punctuated by bouts of full-on depression. I’m pretty much unsatisfied about every single aspect of my life right now. I could sit here and make a list of all the things that are eating away at me right now, but if you’ve been reading this blog (or if you’ve just known me lately) you should have a pretty fair idea of what’s on the list. There’s no point in enumerating it all. It’s all things I’m dealing with, and working to change. I’m fighting the frustration of some things not happening as fast as I’d like, or just not happening at all, but I am accepting the challenges and taking them inside me. I may still be standing at Point A, but I can see Point B and I know the path I need to walk to make it there.
Am I going to do anything drastic? No.
No matter how far I walked down that path in the past, it’s not one I’ll ever set my feet upon again. I still glance in it’s direction from time to time, and I always will, but that’s they are… glances. I know enough about those dark, sticky places in my soul to know how to deal with them now. Recognize, accept, walk through. It’s a clear process.
So, there you have it. The parts of it I’m willing to share, at least. Things are improving, they’re much better than they were a few months ago and they’ll continue to improve as long as I stick to my guns. Had I not gotten away from things for a couple days and gotten some perspective (and, perhaps most importantly, made a new friend!) I’m pretty convinced I’d have checked myself in somewhere by the end of the year, so I’ve at least gotten myself pointed in the right direction.
So, yeah. I’m a complete fucking basket case right now. But I’m dealing with it, and it’s nothing to worry about.
It’s not like I’ve started listening to The Downward Spiral all the time again or anything. ;-)